Krantz Chronicle Five-two

Nowadays Krantz’ chronicles will be exclusively published in Worldkustom. Topic of the day is Dodge and diet.

 

Thursday 12th of February 2015.

Five-two

Per-Åke Frestadius had a camera for reversing on his Chrysler. Super nice.  You didn’t need to turn your head and stop eating chips and Coca-Cola just to parallel park. It was just like sitting in the TV sofa at home. The entire rear end of the car was lit up like a Christmas tree in December even though it was in the middle of the night. Then forward, put it into drive and Friday coziness all week long with hands free, M&M’s, cruise control, boom box and filled cup holders. The road kind of never ended and neither did the party. The motor sucked down half a gallon every six miles and the old guys in the front seat guzzled down 4000 kcal a day.

Pregnant
Personally it went fine from 1957 all the way to around 9.30 at night the 28th of January 2015 when some nut job had placed a full figure mirror outside the shower. My profile was one of a beautiful young woman….. In her nine month.

– Help I was pregnant with Marabou.

With milk chocolate in the breasts and everything.

The 226 lbs-massive
The chest looked like a ski map of Åre. It leaned and gushed in all directions with a transport route on top of everything starting in the collar bone vicinity down to where I’m guessing belly button is located. It was all presented to me under striking florescent lighting. I didn’t shiver. I screamed !!!

It’s over when the fat lady sings
What-what-what was the name again on that diet that everyone praised in 2013 f-f-five – two. Now gosh darnit the fat lady had sung her last, well if not her last tune, then I at least was fed up with looking like her.

Food is for wimps
The coming day I was supposed to shoot a Ford 54 custom but most of all I was starting the five-two diet. I remembered precisely how the diet worked. 600 calories a day was the deal. EASY! I persuaded myself into thinking:

– Food is overrated what the heck.. American car enthusiasts don’t eat food. Food is for wimps!

I lived on the dream of a Dodge Charger, a tin of tuna, an apple, two boiled eggs, shot the custom car, walked four miles and fell asleep. Three weeks later I was standing on Dollar Tree in Marco Island and leaned ten degrees on portside. Life was over. Nothing was fun anymore.

Free Fall
The Florida sun was a ridiculous lamp that might as well could have self eclipsed the rest of the year. The warm ocean nothing other than a lukewarm fluid and who want that icky stuff around the calves. The hot rod in the parking lot turned into a boring home project and the palm leaves outside a slippery substitute if the toilet roll happened to be empty

I fell asleep there. If the legs had remembered to fold it would have been a complete faint. But I awoke as my feet took one step forward in the shopping line and the massive Åre mountain leaned back for just a second. Regained balance, was sweating heavily with a taste of ammoniac in my mouth.

Mmm …
– This is never going to work, I thought. Took candy from the shelf and a soda, paid, sat down in my car and inhaled everything.

-Mmm, it sure is wonderful with summer. Mmmm, what a day! Mmm the time is only 2 PM and tonight there’s a small car meet outside Dairy Queen. That will be fun.

-Mmm it’s so nice in the shadow of the palm trees.

I have to Google that shit, I thought. It turned out five-two means that you get to eat normally during five days and then eat 600 calories during two days. I had done the complete opposite.

Hung up the phone
After three weeks and fifteen days of eternal walks and “food is for wimps” the light apparently turned off. I called home to Myran and whined.

– You are so stupid that I’m not even goanna comment, she said.

– That five-two thingy was no good, I almost sat down in the shopping cart, I said.

She hung up the phone.

To 198 lbs and beyond
I have turned the days around by now and 1959 Cadillacs are pretty again. It so happens that this day is a “food is for wimps-day” but it’s really going fine and tonight I’m goanna zzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz